THE MODERN FAMILY DOCTOR.
(A conductor of a trolley-bus on the Barming route has discovered the following' manuscript. It is evidently a dictionary of diseases and their treatment. We understand the conductor is now out of hospital).
Inkism. This is a very prevalent trouble. The patient first shows the symptoms on the fingers. Thence it spreads to his neck and face and often to his neighbour's ears. Has even been known to break out in arithmetic books. The only cure is to boil the patient and keep him in a glass case.
Swotteritis, will attack children of all ages but boys of 13 to 1G are most liable. Certain people are quite free from this disease. The victim is attacked all over, but especially in his homework books. There is no real cure. In advanced cases bumps of knowledge appears on the head, shoulders, and upper limbs.
Spearmintonomy, is a painless but disgusting disease. It will attack either jaw and is often mistaken for lockjaw. Generally causes softening of the brain. The disease can be taken out at night and stuck on the bed-post ready for use next morning.
Jabberitis, also known as Chinwag, Monkey's Madness and Junior Jawjaw. This is due to an overgrowth of the tongue. It is highly infectious and very distressing to witness. The only certain cure is to tie it in a knot, cut it off and throw it away.
Totology is an illness to which budding mathematicians are especially liable. It is injected as a cure for troubles of the tongue and cheeks. Usually breaks out in large patches of twelve. Can be cured by hard work.
Inflamation of the Seat of the Trousers, is a usual complication after the operation- of " walloping." The only known remedy is to grin and bear it. The old method of trying to ward off an attack by applying a poultice of exercise books merely delays and eventually increases the severity of the attack.
M.D.
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