" CHEESE."
[Notes of a Science Lecture delivered, by Prof. Cowslip, F.R.H.S., C.O.D., at the Appalling Research Station on All Fools'Day,1932.]
Cheese is the only vegetable in the world which belongs to the mineral kingdom. The word " cheese " is derived from the ancient Peruvian word " chiz," meaning " a perfect odour."
Cheese is manufactured by dairy-maids from the surplus milk from cows. In times of shortage, condensed milk replaces cows' milk. It is made by putting the liquid into one pan; you must then rennet into another, and keep looking at it till it turns sour. When it curdles, it gets in your whey, which is a signal that the lactic acid bacilli are squabbling. When the riot has stopped, pour the liquid clown any convenient drain and squeeze the remainder. Test it with a hot iron, and when thoroughly fireproof you have cheese.
The principal varieties of cheese are Cheddar, Gorgonzola, Kruger, Lindberg, Loud, Louder, Loudest, Backfirer and Vindictive. The majority of these come under Schedule A of the Dangerous Drugs Act, and many shop-keepers, including jewellers and boot-repairers, refuse to sell them.
Cheese is used in a variety of ways. In addition to its utility as the raw material for the production of nightmare and cheese-straws, it is employed for baiting' mouse-traps and the breeding of Welsh rabbits. The less choleric varieties, after disinfecting, may be given with impunity and great gusto to any passing tramp. Astronomers also use it for replacing disused moons.
The Government are taking a strong line with regard to cheese, and the day is drawing when pipes will be laid on to every dwelling for a municipal supply of cheese in the gaseous state. This method is anticipated to be cheaper than building, for the provision of empty houses. The technical difficulty is the design of sufficiently strong cheese-meters registering British Thermal Units.
As an article of diet, navvies have been known to eat cheese with avidity and beer, but they have all died sooner or later, and there is no doubt that cheese-eaters of to-day are running a grave risk, especially if they meet with a motor accident. Statistics show that of all the people who died in the Isle of Wight during the period 1920-1930, over 99.76 per cent, were consumers of cheese, and of the remainder the relatives had tasted cheese in some form or another.